Chapter 4: Kee Nok Air and the Black
Pagoda
Well after visiting my mom in Nong Bua
Lumpu, Maem and I wanted to head to Chiang Mai and later Chiang Rai. I
wanted to go check out the Go-Go bars in Chiang Mai mostly. I also
wanted to go visit the cave those Thai boys and the soccer coach got
stuck in. Who knows maybe I could have been the next international
headline, “American Gets Drunk and Stuck in Cave." Free ketamine
anyone? Send me a six pack of Chang and beam me some WiFi muthafucka,
I’ll be just fine. You know I even went as far as envisioning my
interview when I was finally rescued.
“How did you get stuck?”
“A tuk tuk driver told me it was Buddha day and brought me here on the
way to my hotel. He told me after we can go get a massage. I traveled
halfway across the world after all.”
“How did you survive for a week in the dark all by yourself?”
“I did pushups and masturbated for the first day straight to calm
myself down. It had to be done, I’m not proud of it but, I was truly
panicking. It helps you relax, you know.”
"What are you going to do now that you are free?"
"Straight to Hooters in Nana, duh."
I had a Google Alert set that told me they were actually filming in a
town right next to Chiang Rai for the Cave Rescue movie. Honestly it
was one of my goals to crash the set on this trip. Get some extra
work, and go back to Bangkok pretending I was some big shot actor on
my Instagram.
Well that vision didn’t really manifest and the gods of film let Kee
Nok Air fuck me and my girlfriend. I got fucked first then had to
watch my girlfriend get fucked by Kee Nok Air. Well I guess I’m going
to be on their No-fly list for a bit now. Maem is actually on a
different No-fly list I found out earlier. She got rejected by
immigration one time in Singapore because she dressed a little too
sexy. Singapore doesn’t like sexy Thai women into their country, for a
few reasons I would let your imagination figure out.
Kee Nok Air decided to close the gate 15 minutes earlier. The flight
was at 6:30 PM, gate closed at fucking 5:45 PM. That bird beak can eat
my ass! We got there at 6:00 PM. And I happened to see a dead lady on
the road on the way to the airport. RIP. This wasn’t a good day, I’m
sorry. That’s also when I coined their new company name. Bird Shit
Airlines. I made sure those fuckers heard me. Thai Airways is way
better than your broke ass propeller planes. I actually honestly
thought I bought Thai Airways tickets earlier but, I guess I might
have been drunk, or didn’t really give a fuck, until now.
"Screw you guys I’m going to Bangkok!" I quickly said and bought
tickets straight back to Bangkok. My plan was to go to the bars and
bitch about Kee Nok Air all night. By the time we arrived in Bangkok.
Maem and I were already a little buzzed trying to wash out our anger.
I convinced her that we should just stash our bags at the airport for
200 baht, and just head straight to Patpong. My ex-Hooters girlfriend
actually never been to a Go-Go with me before. I don’t know much about
women but, one thing I do know is women love to look at other women in
bikinis!
I actually took an ex-girlfriend, Nada, to the Hooters in Nana for
their Miss Hooters Bikini show. Well Nacha and Jasmine actually
tricked me into thinking it was a Bikini show. Turned out it was a
full-on beauty pageant. Felt like shooting myself as the bar was so
packed that no one was able to get a good drunk in. Plus, I had
beautiful hot-headed Nada with me. She was scolding people for
blocking her view, bad idea you muthfuckers. I wish I knew what the
fuck she said in Thai as it sounded pretty fucking mean. Funny thing
is that was also the same Hooters I met Maem in.
As Maem and I arrived to Suvarnabhumi (Su*va*na*poom) Airport we
stashed the bags on the second floor and headed down to the basement
level to blast down through the Airport Link train system. I highly
recommend doing this if you are comfortable with Asian train systems
and if you don’t have much luggage. Just take the line all the way
down to Phaya Thai station before you transfer over to Silom, Nana, or
Asok my party animals. All within 100 fucking baht! Plus, you don’t
have to talk to some taxi driver and pay 300+ baht.
We got off at the Silom BTS station, and what do you know? There's a
Hooters here as well! America needs to step up our Hooters game. It is
lacking these days. The Silom Hooters was alright, it just can’t beat
my memories of the one in Nana. It was a short walk cutting through
the Soi’s over to Patpong. I forgot maybe it was a tuk tuk because I
recently injured my foot at a wedding playing soccer with abunch of
little kids. The air was also so terrible that I had to have a mask
on. There was so much construction going on in Bangkok that it felt
like I smoked 4 cigarettes.
We ended up in Patpong somehow, and I had a cool little hide out that
I was going to show Maem. The Black Pagoda.
The Black Pagoda bar is probably the most badass Go-Go bar in Bangkok
right now, besides the Dollhouse. You have to take a sketchy elevator
to the 4th floor, I think. High enough that it broke my 2-story
partying rule. Then the actual bar is suspended in air between two
buildings. Overlooking pedestrians down below. Great for people
watching, hip thrusting, and rubbing your nipples on the window
pointing at random Chinese dudes down under. Yeah, I was that guy.
Maem looked nervous at first. I’m actually not sure if her
ex-boyfriend ever took her to the Go-Go. It’s weird to think I’m just
that dirty fuck who would. Like father like son, I guess.
To tell you the truth, I came to the Black Pagoda about 4-5 nights
ago. I came with Elle, who I happened to run into at Rainbow 2 in Nana
Plaza a night before. I was partying with Mok the hotel manager,
trying to seduce her into giving me a free hotel room with my song Bye
Angle. Earlier that very same night, Panida kicked me out of her mom’s
house after her sister's wedding. She sent me to Soi 4 in a red taxi
meter car. I was crying all the way there hoping that I didn't have to
tip the taxi driver. Who's going to demand a tip if someone is sulking
in the backseat?
As we sat down in a good spot next to the large single pane windows
overlooking the alley, a Go-Go dancer came up and said my name.
“Jame, good to see you again!” said a random Go-Go dancer. I soon
realized it was Amm. Oh shit! I was actually hoping she would have
ignored me. I noticed that many Thai girls aren't shy to come up to
you when you have a date. Growing up in America women were actually
pretty good at pretending they don't know you. Or they do to me and my
friends anyways.
“Hey, how are you?”
“I'm fine. Thank you for coming to see me!” smiled Amm.
“Haha, no problem, I missed you! This is my girlfriend Maem.” in my
mind I’m hoping she doesn’t spill the beans the I came here a few
nights ago. Sorry, I just happen to think this bar is so fucking sick
that I had to come back! A wise man that had some self-control would
have probably been home drinking a beer, watching football, and
screwing his girlfriend instead.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Amm.” then she did the exact thing I was hoping
she would not do. They both started speaking in rapid fire Thai to
lose me. They both know that I can actually understand some Thai
especially random key words that I painstakingly retaught myself after
losing the language 13 years ago. Americanization and assimilation are
bitches. This is one of the reasons I don’t trust the school system in
the US. Do they really know what’s better for the global economy? Some
drunkard is sitting in their cubicle in San Francisco typing up these
textbooks. When you think about all the great writers that have
substance abuse problems. Wouldn't you think some virgin pedophile
baboon is probably typing up your textbook?
“You know her Jame?” asked Maem, saving her face, but I know she’s
pissed off. It takes a lot for a Thai lady to show their pissed off
emotions sometimes. They can keep their hearts very cool but, when
they do snap, you are in for a treat!
“Yes babe. I don’t remember what happened that night.” I overheard
them talking about Elle. Fuck! A lot of gibberish occurred I’m in the
point that I don’t even give a fuck anymore and just want to enjoy my
drink as I knew I didn’t fuck any of them that night so I was in the
clear. Amm was just doing her duty of giving Maem all the gossip about
me. Somehow, I proved to be a good boy.
Well everyone was in the cool now, including Maem, I think. More and
more drinks were bought on my tab for the two ladies. I had 3,000 baht
to my name at the time after getting some doe back for a security
deposit for a rental car in Esan. Well 2,800, there was a dead lady on
the road, and I couldn’t make it to the gas station to fill up my gas
tank. Maem translated that to the car rental company but, I doubt she
included the dead lady. The Thais view death way different from us
Americans the more and more I re-experience my childhood culture.
Amm wanted to get bar fined, to avoid dancing on some fat old fuck in
the bar. I actually love when a small lady dances on a fat old fuck.
It brings tears of humor to my eyes. I spent most of the night
watching that happen actually when Maem and Amm were talking about how
much of a fucking dog I am and my love of Som Tum and Beer Chang.
“Babe I want to see you kiss her...” I said to Maem buzzed as fuck.
“Nooo, I not do!”
“C’monnnnn.” I grabbed them both by the back of their shoulders and
moved them closer. They were both pretty tipsy at this point I would
imagine.
“I cannot babe!” Maem recoiled.
“C’monnnn it’s funny!” I laughed. Seriously don’t know why girls hang
out with me sometimes. Guess I just don’t give a fuck sometimes. Amm
was totally into it. Maem is a closet tomboy however, I knew her
feminine side, she couldn’t resist a drunk girl on girl kiss. She went
for a quick smooch. It wasn’t the best or the worst as there were no
tongues.
“Can I go with you two? Go dancing” Amm asked. She knew I was a good
dude who just liked to have fun like last time.
“Up to her.” I pointed to Maem.
“Why up to me? Up to you.” Maem was a little ticked off. Well she did
say up to me.
“Yes, I want to take her, but I don’t have enough money, so up to
you.” I’m thumbing through my wallet and most of it is still in US
currency. The exchange rate was 29 baht to 1 dollar at the time so I
wasn’t fucking with it. Fuck that! USA #1 baby not going to give you
my money on that exchange rate.
“Bpai hong nam. Baep nueng ka.” Amm stood up and went to the rest
room. Sidenote, the restrooms in the Black Pagoda are fucking
hilarious. It isn’t one of those shared bathrooms where the girl comes
up to grab your dick but, it is definitely an interesting one. The
mirror in there is see-through. You can see all the girls on the other
side of the mirror. I was very shocked at first. One of the Go-Go
girls told me a few nights ago she saw some guy masturbating at the
girls through the mirrors. Hahaha good thing I got a haircut recently.
The face and hand motion the cute girl performed definitely looked
like my vinegar strokes.
As Amm went to the restroom, Maem decided to pay the barfine for me.
“It’s okay you two can come to my condo together.”
“Wait, what? I was just joking about taking a shower together.” I said
with a look of amazement and disbelief. Yes, I did make a joke about a
group shower together, and it seemed like she was drunk enough to see
what the fuck I would do. I knew this was a test. “Up to you baby.”
Amm came back and was in amazement that Maem paid her bar fine. I’m
feeling like a pimp, even though I’m at least $60 poorer from the
drinks. At least I got two dates now, fuck you Jeff Bezos.
Maem was pretty wasted at this point. We waited for Amm to get dressed
into her street close. We then headed out of the club. The elevator
was once again fucking up. Hence, why I have a 2-story rule for
partying, especially Bangkok. We grabbed a Tuk Tuk and headed to Soi
11 Sukhumvit to the Sugar club, a hip-hop club.
Maem was pretty fucking wasted at that time, and pissed at me that she
bar fined a girl. I knew I was walking on eggshells so I actually only
got 1 Corona there and just drank coke after. Maem drank at least 3
more mixed drinks after 1 Corona. Amm kept to my pace too as she was
trying to give me hand jobs under the table when Maem got too wild and
wanted to show of her dance moves to the whole club. Well the main
reason I wasn’t drunk was that I was taking medication for a stomach
infection. By the time I reached the Sugar club the medication had
worn off and I was pissing out of my ass for a couple of songs.
Luckily, I became accustomed to the ass sprayers in the bathroom. That
shit got me so clean. I mastered the bar room shits, I later told my
friend TJ in the States. He beat me with a story that the first bar he
ever went to he took a shit in it too. What an animal!
TJ actually told me that Rae Sremmurd was playing in Thailand that
same week. Well they were playing in Phuket. I was currently in
Bangkok. There was a feeling in me though that told me that they would
end up in Bangkok. Sugar club would have been the venue if they did.
While blowing my ass out in WWIII I hear one of Rae Sremmurd’s songs
getting played and I blasted my ass with one last spray of water and
rushed out of the toilet in excitement. Yes, I told that muthafucka
that they were going to be here. I’m smelling like shit at that time;
both my ass and mouth reeked. I bought restroom gum, super sketchy.
And ran out the restroom after a quick massage. Just a neck massage.
Fuck! It’s not even them. Just some fuckers doing a cover. Pinched my
shit for nothing. I headed down to find my dates. Maem is fucked up
now she’s falling on the white girls. Had to grab her one time as she
was about to eat shit falling towards a European girl smoking her cig.
Quit smoking please!
I decided that we should just call it a night. Hate when I’m not the
drunk one sometimes. As we got out of Sugar, Amm was ready to head
home as well. I’m not that kind of guy that would fuck two girls if I
risk jeopardizing a good girl. Call me dumb or wise that is just me, I
wanted to be sure Maem was taken care of as she takes very good care
of me.
Maem loves to fucking walk. I hate fucking walking in Bangkok.
Especially with the current air conditions. Heavy metal particles,
fuck that! As we were walking back to Soi 23, Soi Cowboy, to Maem’s
apartment, she spotted a rat. It was a cute little bugger. I love
rats. They are so cute, used to have many pet rats growing up. The wet
season rats are something else however. When those fuckers show up in
the bars, they usually roam in some kind of pack. Oversized Thai rats,
you’ve never seen such big fuckers before.
Well she fucking showed no fear and started to charge it. Rushing
towards it. I couldn’t help myself but encourage her.
“Kill it!” I shouted on the late-night side walk. Many street light
butterflies were looking at us as Maem raced into a small alley
fighting that little fucker. It got away but I was dying in laughter!
Esan girls, man! Gotta love them.
As we got back to her condo. I grabbed her and held her over the pool
upside down dangling her, just to mess with her. Throwing someone
upside down when their completely wasted is a dick move. She got way
more drunk after I brown her on to solid ground again. Gasping for air
she let me have it haha. We went inside her condo right outside the
pool and called it a night... and fucked Kee Nok Air!
