VOODOOLADY Journals


New Announcements

02-06-2019: So many errors in my shit, but I'm just cranking out the stories for now. Write Drunk Edit Drunker. Chapter 5, He's My Son, Bitch! is now available. It's a story about my mom saving me from an old lady trying to fuck me.

02-05-2019: I'm going beast mode, released Chapter 4, Kee Nok Air and the Black Pagoda. Saw a dead lady, missed a flight, went to Bangkok, and my girlfriend bar fined a girl for me.

02-04-2019: Chapter 3, Welcome to Dollhouse out now. My first time in a bar happened to be on Soi Cowboy.

02-04-2019: Chapter 2, Next Stop, Super Pussy has been released. Read about my adventure to the ping pong show.

02-03-2019: First couple of Chapter for the VoodooLady Journals has been released. Chapter 0, Voodoo Child and Chapter 1, Eat Ass.

01-01-2019: Happy New Year Muthafuckaaaa

Table of Contents

Epilogue

Chapter 0: Voodoo Child

Chapter 1: Eat Ass

Chapter 2: Next Stop, Super Pussy

Chapter 3: Welcome to Dollhouse

Chapter 4: Kee Nok Air and the Black Pagoda

Chapter 5: He's My Son, Bitch!

About the Author

Epilogue

The world of Voodoo Lady is neither real nor fake. It is the edge of reality. The events in this book are subject to opinion as I was drunk or under the influence most of the time. Anything illegal I did or say, I actually didn’t do. That part is all fiction. I just want the stories to be like if Fight Club and Rush Hour 2, had a five-some with a retarded midget ladyboy, and nutted all the words and dialogue in this journal.


These stories are dedicated to my fat cat Kee Bon. I'll be back home to feed you soon don't worry.

Love,
James Houston


VoodooLady II Out Now!

Chapter 0: Voodoo Child

I’m sorry my friend, if you are reading this journal, you are now a pervert, on the no-fly list, and maybe on the spectrum of being retarded. There are no refunds on this statement. So please accept my apology as I will take you on a journey my friends. Who am I? You might be wondering. I’m Jame, Jame Bon. That’s how I make a remember-able introduction anyways when any Thai girl asks me the question. My real name is James Houston. I used to go by Jim but, something told me that wasn’t the name I wanted to go by. Later on, I would find out the name actually was slang for pussy in Northern Thailand. I was cursed with a handsome face and an absolutely filthy mind. A dirty world makes a dirty boy dirtier.

Chapter 1: Eat Ass

“Is okay, if they sit here?” said the waitress of the 24/7 restaurant on Soi 11 Sukhumvit, Bangkok, the Ginery. I looked at my new girlfriend Maem. She looked pretty tired of my shenanigans as she probably wasn’t drinking as much as I was. There stood the waitress and an Australian dude, probably in his 20’s. He didn’t look too innocent to my eyes. I knew this would be a fun conversation. I already had warned Maem about what would happen if someone sat down due to the drunk rush of closed gogo bars.

“Sure, no problem!” I smiled, truly excited trying to hold in my grin, as I had a game to play. My best friend, TJ, and I grew up in the states messing with random people for our entertainment. It was one of our drunk hobbies. And I felt like I was carrying that very torches to the polite, and casually vulgar culture of the great nation of Thailand.

The Ausi’s girlfriend sat down in front of me and after the Ausi himself sat down. Maem and I were playing a little game of guessing if the dates of each men in the restaurant were prostitutes or not, before I introduced you to my Ausi friend here. His friend looked like a regular girl.

“How did you guys meet?” I asked the guy.

“Friend of a friend actually.” He said back smiling. He had some drinks in him so he wasn’t too shy but, still holding back.

“Oh nice, this is my friend Maem. I met her in hooters.” I went, “For you guys to actually be welcomed here you have to play a game with me.”

“Uhhh, what’s the game?” said the Ausi.

“Well you have to pick someone in this restaurant and point to them and do this...” I tucked my arms inwards in the air forming the motion of spreading an imaginary ass in the air, and putting my face down right into the air booty, with my tongue stuck out between the cheeks. The guy looked slightly shocked.

“I’m going to get beat up.” He laughed.

“I got your back don’t worry!” smiling I then realized more people were sitting down. Even better! His friends were tagging along with him. I believe it was about 4 more who sat. 1 chunky looking Chinese dude, 1 skinny Filipino guy, 1 Filipino girl who looked like she was pretty naughty in her own rights, and 1 more Australian who looked more serious than the first guy and probably couldn’t comprehend too many of my jokes. I have this effect on out of shape meat heads.

“O’ man you guys picked the wrong table! Haha!” My grin growing even bigger. Now I have a good audience. The danger level was also increasing, now I have a big risk of getting my face pummeled in by 4 guys if I offend someone. Fuck it! I have a book to write for you!


I showed the rest of the table the game I invented. I wasn’t going to force anyone to do it. Seemed like these 20-year old millennials were pussies who didn’t like to have fun.

“It’s a thing in America to eat ass, huh?” said one of the guys in the group.

“Not sure I thought everyone liked to eat ass,” now I’m questioning that maybe other people don’t like eating ass as much as me, damnit I am dirty. “Yeah, I guess so, we have songs about it in America.” I grew up with a black friend in the states TJ, that showed me songs basically about everything under the sun or hidden from the sun when we were little kids.

“I respect you and your decision, but I’m just not into that.” said the meat head on the end of the table. There were no more seats in the booth so he was hanging as an outsider of the group. Maybe for a reason.

“Don’t know until you try it bro,” laughing I continued, “The first time I ate ass I saw a UFO.”

“That is the most American thing I have ever heard!” said the first Ausi that I met.

“You saw a UFO!?” said the Filipino guy, Adrian, I got his business card later on for the Flying Fish from Dumaguete City, Philippines. Egg shell, an egg shell business card. My urge to murder for fun rose.

“No UFO is interested in the Philippines!” laughed the first Ausi.

“Well it turned out it was just the NASA unmanned shuttle.” I actually did see this after eating ass a few years before in California. As I was coughing due to something being stuck in my throat after the quickie, a supersonic blue streak of light heading South East to the Mojave Desert appeared in the night sky of Northern California. “Fuck man, the blue light went so fast that I knew it wasn’t a shooting star!”

“Wait you eat ass!?” asked the girl from the Philippines, looking really excited. She gave me the look like she wanted to have someone eat her ass too. She did have a nice set on her I must admit.

“Yes! That’s what we’ve been talking about this whole time!” laughed the first Ausi. She must have been super drunk because I didn’t understand anything else she asked me after that.

“I’m sorry I don’t understand anything you’re saying.”

“He’s thinking about eating ass, he doesn’t care about what you are saying!” explained the first Ausi. Fuck me this guy was actually a mind reader this whole time! Well he was truly observant on body language at least. As I was probably truly thinking about eating her ass.

The waitress soon rescued my captive audience from my game and took them to a table that a bunch of drunk Asian business ladies and their best gay friend were sitting at before.

“Well it is nice meeting you man, if you want to change it up here’s this.” Adrian handed me his business card for the Boutique Hostel. It’s probably frowned upon to eat Philippine ass in his hostel.

It didn't take long before my next victim sat down at the table. This time maybe I was the victim to some game. I’m not a nationalist by all means however, I do believe America and Thailand on the best countries on the planet. I love my people. And I love to eat ass.

This time a Russian guy sat down with a beautiful African woman. Something told me that this was a prostitute. I might be wrong as he probably thought I was with one myself as Maem was probably looking like she was tired of my shit at the moment.

“Don’t worry I just asked for the bill. How's it going?” this time I’m very cautious of what I say as I’ve had a feeling this wasn’t going to be a jolly drunk American or Russian interaction. Russians have a way of holding their smiles back. Alien to my Californian and Esan temperament. I’m holding a tooth pick to my teeth as I’m ready to leave at this point.

“So so…” he give me one of those unsure quick frowns, “there was a shooting here last week.” Now I’m not sure if I’m dealing with a Russian mobster or what as this guy had the stereotypical cold stare all those Russian mobsters have.

“Wait a shooting?” he got my attention at this point. I was actually in the neighborhood of Soi 11 quite a bit the past weeks. Haven’t heard about anything on the news neither about some getting shot. I’m in disbelief.  

“Yes not good.” He said seriously.

The problem with Russians and American interactions I think is that we were both bred not to trust each other or give away much information. He probably thought I was some sort of drunken drug dealing sex tourist.

There actually was a shooting about two to three weeks earlier when I looked back on this encounter. Some probably drunken jealous farang beat up a police officer because he thought his girlfriend was cheating on him. Well the cop followed him to a lobby of a store or hotel and shot him dead. I believe the cop was on the run still at the time I landed in Bangkok.

“What do you do if you don’t mind me asking?” a gangster movie was playing in my head. I’m hoping that he said he was some sort of arms dealer.

“I mind,” he said with a smirk, “It is not illegal…”

“Illegal?” I misunderstood the heavy Russian accent.

“It’s completely legal,” he paused for a moment of suspense, “I work for an airline company. I schedule charter planes.”

I’m now even more curious. I’m thinking he’s definitely some gangster smuggling in drugs or guns. So I tested his feelings about his knowledge of airports and their security.

“Yeah we can't have direct flights from US to Thailand anymore because too many drugs would end up in the US.” That was my theory that night anyways. Years ago, there were direct flights from LAX to Bangkok. Thailand’s airport security rating got dropped to class 2. The coups probably didn’t help this either.

“What airline do you go through, you should check.”

“United, and I know that we don’t have one.”

“I’m sure you have one just check.” Motherfucker, I know we don’t have one or else I’d have some super gonorrhea by now.

“Either way people love drugs.” I’m prying to see if he is some sort of drug dealer in Bangkok.

“Drugs are bad, don’t fuck with that shit.”

“People need drugs,” I hit a dead end to one of my scenarios that were playing out in my head, time to change the topic and get my fucking bill. “So you live in Thailand?”

“Yes I have a PR, permanent residency.” He replied, quite openly. “The economic and political situation isn’t good in Russia right now so I move to Thailand. To stay away.”

“How did you get the PR?”

“Haha, you can give the money to the company you work for, like a stock. A lot of money. And they give you permanent resident paper to the country.” laughing he gave me a corrupted smile. Probably the first true smile I’ve seen from him. Who would of thought, corporate corruption makes Russians smile.

Fuck I really want that check to come. ”What the fucks taking that check so long?”

“Remind them again. You speak Thai, use your skill.”

“True.” I look over, trying to escape this awkward situation. Soon the waitress came out with the bill and I was excited to go. The exchange rates were fucking with me. I needed Maem to help me out with the bill. Fuck this trade war.

Chapter 2: Next Stop, Super Pussy

It was a short entertaining taxi ride over to the Patpong district. The driver was a young Thai man that had just recently upgraded his sound system in the Tuk Tuk. We bumped heavy Thai go-go techno, racing to the entertainment. 

“Get there quick, for a big tip!” I projected my voice to the front towards the driver in front of me.

Patpong was an upscale partying district of Bangkok. Many international playboys frequent these streets. Cheap booze and cheap men and women filled the bars and Go-go clubs. I stopped by the ATM strategically located around the block from the Super Pussy club. This was going to be another long night of dead ends but I loaded up on some cash anyways for beer and wine.

A short stalky dark-skinned Thai fellow was standing on the sidewalk showing the lineup tonight at Super Pussy. I heard amusing things about the show.

"Shoot dart out pussy, shoot ping pong ball out pussy, open beer out pussy," He continued "500 Baht to get in."

"500 Baht too much!" I laughed. "I, no rich."

"Okay 400 for you."

He escorted me upstairs to the club. As we were walking up the stairs he warned me, "Watch your step!"

As he said that I quickly tripped and slid down a couple of steps. I don't think he saw me though. Okay, maybe I’m more buzzed than I thought I was. I stood back up and pretended nothing happened.

We enter the club and I was sat down front row from the show. A very dark-skinned bikini cladded go-go dancer sat next me as my hostess for the night. She had a nice thick looking body, in her early 30's I assumed. 

"What is your name?" She asked flirtatiously.

"James, what is your name?" I replied, using my English name. I ordered her a lady drink right away as she seemed attractive and polite. 

"Leena, nice to meet you!" she smiled. The black lights reflected off Leena's eyes in a way that reminded me of the Banana tree ghost I encountered earlier in my adventure.

I struggled to choose my drink as they didn't have my typical light beer selection, Leo, or the usual red wine. I went with a Heineken as I needed to stay with my wits tonight. Don't get trashed far from your room, a rule I learned from my younger partying days in Northern California. As all rules are, they are hard to follow. Especially a rule about consuming alcohol.

The bartender gave her a glass of her favorite poison along with some soda.

"Where are you from?" I asked her my go-to question. 

"Surat Thani, how about you?"

"America."

"Where, California?"

"Good guess how did you know that?" I said with amazement of her assumption.

"You look like you are from California!" Leena leaned over close, her eyes lost the devilish glow and I could see she might be human after all. I sat there confused at her sharp intellect. I had my wallet out for a few seconds pulling out money for the drinks but, the club lighting and the way my driver's license sat in a see-through card slot would've made it hard.

"I have to go dance now. You stay here, okay?" Leena massaged my shoulders and walked up onto stage.

Leena was a backup dancer for the main attraction. The ping pong ball shooting, dart pushing, birthday candle blowing, cigarette puffing, and beer bottle opening Jabba the Hutt go-go dancer. 

I was excited and my loud mouth also kicked in.

"Open my beer bottle!" I laughed.

Sensing some disrespect Jabba, the Go-go held up her plastic tip jar. Half empty with small 20-baht tips.

"Big tip to open beer bottle!" I fired back.

Jabba the Go-go was not amused at my school boy antics. She continued with the regular line of tricks. First was firing darts out of her freshly lawn mown sloppy "Jabba" pussy. With her lovely assistances the multi-talented dancer lubed up the end of the plastic blow gun. Jabba the Go-go's pussy was already blown enough that I didn't know why lube would even matter. Maybe it was more for the darts to come out smoothly down the barrel of the plastic blow gun.

Using the power of her whale vagina she sucked in a lung full worth of air. Her lovely assistance inserted the dart into the barrel. A set of balloons were setup right next to a vacationing couple. Jabba then inserted the nozzle into her well used pussy cavity. One of the driest queeves I've ever heard in my life, erupted. It cut right through the tropical house music going in the background.

She hit the target to my amazement but, shooting air out of a vagina wasn't a skill I was impressed of. Call me a critic!

Next show was the birthday cake show. A recording of little innocent kids came on the PA system singing Happy Birthday over a club beat. A vanilla cake was rolled out onto stage by sexy Leena. I can only suspect that the cake would get reused night after night.

Ten or so candles were lit. The blow gun was now used as a funnel for focusing the magnificent mean queef of Jabba the Go-go. The dry wind came out of her vagina again. Knocking two candles out at a time. By the sixth one her pace slowed down. I didn't know that you can get tired from queefing. There must have been an extra pocket in her pussy for all this air. She finished the trick strong and blew out three at once. I'm not sure if it were the ceiling fans that were beating wind against my face at that point. 

The jack-of-all-trades needed to take a break. A smoke break that is! She lights a cigarette and starts puffing away at the cancer stick. Her lovely assistance left the stage to go back to their guests. 

"When is she going to pop open beer bottles?" I asked Leena. My patience was wearing thin. I couldn't stand watching a mean overweight skank blowing air out of her vagina.

"Soon, James have another drink," Leena massages my stiff traveler neck and shoulders, "she save best for last."

I wanted to be sure my money was well spent, I stayed. Leena got me some more overly priced Heineken. It numbed my impatience. 

Jabba was done smoking her cheap cigarette. Vagina tobacco haze filled the club air. I probably inhaled much of it as I was downwind from the fallout. Leena went back on stage.

Next was the ping pong show. Since I was such a special guest. I was directed front and center by Queen Jabba. I followed her orders as I needed some danger to fuel my night.

She shoved three ping pong balls deep into her vagina. I was surprised that she only got three balls in there. Shouldn't she be able to fit at least six? Her vagina looked like she had bored at least a three hippo-babies.

The first one was a laser aimed at my mouth. Dodged it! The second was a knuckle ball. Close call! She had great sleight of hand and reloaded the chamber without me even noticing. Third one was the slowest ball. Not even close! I started sipping my beer, then I feel a warm wet ball whizzing past my face! I didn't get hit by the ping pong ball. The smell of a musty seafood market hit the back of my nostrils.

Beer quickly spewed out of my mouth. I held my cool. In the City of Angels, you'd be surprised how many ways you can be dicked-down if you drop your guard.

Next was the final act! The grand finally.

"WOOOOOH!" I hollered at the stage pumping my arms up in the air.

Three Heinekens were lined up on stage.

Like many magic shows you have to have some disbelief. This was no magic show. The bottles were all straight from factory. Jabba the Go-go inserted the first Heineken down her foxhole. She must have been an educated lady as she knew the physics of leverage. A human can lift up a whole planet if there is a long enough pole.  With my basic knowledge of anatomy, the bottle cap was placed under her pubis.

I hear a loud pop. A little sound of agony sprung through the music. She nicked it! The cap only got bent. The guests in the club are all squeezing their legs together at this point. The show must go on! I could see Leena telling me to move away. I was still front and center. Jabba kept on insisting I stay put. Curiosity of science had control of the situation. I stood my ground. Leena still trying to signal me to move. The rest of the Jabba's backup dancers doing the same.

The second green bottle goes in. POP! A sound I knew well. Instantly my smile died. Beer exploded towards my face. Dirty pussy beer. My eyes got hit wide open. Followed by my mouth and nostrils. It tasted like a warm beer that you left out the night before.

I had enough! I stood up washing my face and eyes with the nearest water bottle. Laughing and totally disgusted I needed to get out of the club before someone recognizes me. Did they serve those Heinekens?

 

Chapter 3: Welcome to Dollhouse

“Welcaum to dauu houd!”

The first Bar I ever went to was a Go-go bar. I decided to celebrate my 21st birthday a month early. What’s a better place than to go to Soi Cowboy on New Year’s Eve? Man, I tell you what, I even went on reddit trying to schedule a meet up with some geeks that were down to party like myself. “I’ll be at the Dollhouse for Happy hour. It’s going to be a booby trap. Look for the guy wearing grey Nikes.” I even tried to schedule a PUA meetup! Some dude was actually down to meet up. He probably got distracted at one of the many bars located on Soi Cowboy. Ended up running into a SQL database engineer, didn’t really like how he was grabbing and tossing the tiny girls around. American strip clubs don’t let you “touch” supposedly. I was out of my element okay, Donny!

The Dollhouse has a special place in my heart, and many people who frequent it between 2015-2017. RIP Darel Davenport. According to Dave the Rave anyways, and a couple of other drunk sources. He actually fell from a balcony of a neighbor's condo trying to unlock his condo.

When I arrived for New Years the floor was covered in little foam balls that would get into every cavity on your clothes and body. I was fishing those things out of my pubes for a couple of days. Couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have a vagina.

Well after a few beers and diving around, playing tag with the girls and hiding in the foam pit of the bar. I managed to lose a credit card. Oops! I didn’t really realize this at the time until the next day. I stayed in there until the New Year’s countdown. Kissed a couple of bartenders and dancers and was on my way to a new bar.

Before the trip my dad actually gave me a list of things to do and not to do. And let’s just say I did all of them because I got shit faced. That was rule number 1. Do not get shit faced in Bangkok, especially above the first floor. It’s a long way down to fight if you have a couple Thai guys on your ass, or in. Hunter S. Thompson should have been the Ampur of Bangkok and made all buildings no more than 2 stories high as that would have saved many white people from dying of mysterious balcony falls. Some women would have also been saved. There was a story of a guy in Pattaya a few years later that was banging the shit out of his date on the balcony of the hotel room. Probably some serious drunk thrusting from behind that launched the poor little woman over the rails. The man even went on a run afterwards. He later got caught a few days later. Hopefully he got sober and turned himself in. I’ll have to cross banging on a balcony off my bucket list. Well at least anything above the 2nd story.

I think I ended up at Kiss bar where I met a girl name Woonzin. She barely spoke any English. I barely spoke any Thai, so I needed a translator. That’s where Mind came to the rescue. She was an experienced dancer in her 30’s. I was using my dad’s debit card that he let me borrow for most of the night. He kept only $1,000 in the card so that I didn’t get too crazy or get robbed. Well, I did get a little out of hand between the two bars. One of the rules my dad told me was to not buy everyone drinks, and most importantly do not get two girls. One girl is enough. The irony of being drunk. What the fuck are you going to do when your completely smashed with two girls? This was also before I know about Oral Jelly or dared to take any boner pills.

Well anyways I got the bill, went to the ATM because I ran out of money. A small little woman followed me out to the ATM to make sure that I didn’t run off. Damn they must trust me!

I dialed the pin number in and tried pressed 10,000 baht. Then the unthinkable happened. My fucking bank thought it was fraud, and took my fucking debit card! This actually wasn’t my dad’s card, as I was planning on alternating the cards so he didn’t see how much I was truly spending. And I knew I already spent a shit ton in the first bar. I simply wanted to spread out the load onto my personal card. Well I ended up trying to use my dad’s card anyways. Then the next unthinkable thing happened, I went over the fucking limit. I already had spent $500 earlier in the day, most of it went to the Dollhouse. Shit! This was where I thought, I would most likely get beat up! The good old gang beat scenario I’ve been seeing on Thaivisa.com where all the Thai men come at you like a wild dog.

Luckily the lady saw what had happened to my first card and was trying to help me get my card out, so she truly saw that I was trying to get them the money. Well, she put a lot of trust in me as I told them I’ll pay them later, I just have to go to the exchange. Thai people are funny in a way where they don’t mind the IOU sometimes. In exchange I would have a couple of bill collectors escort me to my hotel room on Soi 4 Sukhumvit to make sure I get a good night's rest and pay my bill in the morning.

Let’s just say it wasn’t a good night’s rest, as my phone began to ring around 1 PM. I’m hungover as a dog. “Hello?”

“Hey James!”

“Dad?!” my voice dry as a sick cat.

“I’m worried about you son, what did you do last night!?” said my dad in a powerful tone.

“I don’t know.”

“Well my bank locked the card,” now I know what this call is about, “you spent over $500, I saw in the statement! Are you okay?”

“Yes Dad, I just got carried away. There was a moment of silence in his voice.

“Well get some rest son, I have to go to work right now. I’ll talk to you later.” I forgot most of what happened that night. 

My dad will always remember, “I just got carried away” as somehow a redeemable and perfect response to my first night at the bars.

Chapter 4: Kee Nok Air and the Black Pagoda

Well after visiting my mom in Nong Bua Lumpu, Maem and I wanted to head to Chiang Mai and later Chiang Rai. I wanted to go check out the Go-Go bars in Chiang Mai mostly. I also wanted to go visit the cave those Thai boys and the soccer coach got stuck in. Who knows maybe I could have been the next international headline, “American Gets Drunk and Stuck in Cave?” Free ketamine anyone? Send me a six pack of Chang and beam me some WiFi muthafucka, I’ll be just fine. You know I even went as far as envisioning my interview when I was finally rescued.

“How did you get stuck?”

“A tuk tuk driver told me it was Buddha day and brought me here on the way to my hotel. He told me after we can go get a massage. I traveled halfway across the world after all.”

“How did you survive for a week in the dark all by yourself?”

“I did pushups and masturbated for the first day straight to calm myself down. It had to be done, I’m not proud of it but, I was truly panicking. It helps you relax, you know.”

I had a Google Alert set that told me they were actually filming in a town right next to Chiang Rai for the Cave Rescue movie. Honestly it was one of my goals to crash the set on this trip. Get some extra work, and go back to Bangkok pretending I was some big shot actor on my Instagram.

Well that vision didn’t really manifest and the gods of film let Kee Nok Air fuck me and my girlfriend. I got fucked first then had to watch my girlfriend get fucked by Kee Nok Air. Well I guess I’m going to be on their No-fly list for a bit now. Maem is actually on a different No-fly list I found out earlier. She got rejected by immigration one time in Singapore because she dressed a little too sexy. Singapore doesn’t like sexy Thai women into their country, for a few reasons I would let your imagination figure out.

Kee Nok Air decided to close the gate 15 minutes earlier. The flight was at 6:30 PM, gate closed at fucking 5:45 PM. That bird beak can eat my ass! We got there at 6:00 PM. And I happened to see a dead lady on the road on the way to the airport. RIP. This wasn’t a good day, I’m sorry. That’s also when I coined their new company name. Bird Shit Airlines. I made sure those fuckers heard me. Thai Airways is way better than your broke ass propeller planes. I actually honestly thought I bought Thai Airways tickets earlier but, I guess I might have been drunk, or didn’t really give a fuck, until now.  

Screw you guys I’m going to Bangkok! I quickly said fuck it and bought tickets straight back to Bangkok. My plan was to go to the bars and bitch about Kee Nok Air all night. By the time we arrived in Bangkok. Maem and I were already a little buzzed trying to wash out our anger. I convinced her that we should just stash our bags at the airport for 200 baht, and just head straight to Patpong. My ex-Hooters girlfriend actually never been to a Go-Go with me before. I don’t know much about women but, one thing I do know is women love to look at other women in bikinis!

I actually took an ex-girlfriend, Nada, to the Hooters in Nana for their Miss Hooters Bikini show. Well Nacha and Jasmine actually tricked me into thinking it was a Bikini show. Turned out it was a full-on beauty pageant. Felt like shooting myself as the bar was so packed that no one was able to get a good drunk in. Plus, I had beautiful hot-headed Nada with me. She was scolding people for blocking her view, bad idea you muthfuckas. I wish I knew what the fuck she said in Thai as it sounded pretty fucking mean. Funny thing is that was also the same Hooters I met Maem in.

As Maem and I arrived to Suvarnabhumi (Su*va*na*poom) Airport we stashed the bags on the second floor and headed down to the basement level to blast down through the Airport Link train system. I highly recommend doing this if you are comfortable with Asian train systems and if you don’t have much luggage. Just take the line all the way down to Phaya Thai station before you transfer over to Silom, Nana, or Asok my party animals. All within 100 fucking baht! Plus, you don’t have to talk to some taxi driver and pay 300+ baht.

We got off at the Silom BTS station, and what do you know? There's a Hooters here as well! America needs to step up our Hooters game is lacking these days. The Silom Hooters was alright, it just can’t beat my memories of the one in Nana. It was a short walk cutting through the Soi’s over to Patpong. I think anyways, I forgot maybe it was a tuk tuk because I recently injured my foot at a wedding playing soccer with abunch of little kids. The air was also so terrible that I had to have a mask on. There was so much construction going on in Bangkok that it felt like I smoked 4 cigarettes.

We ended up in Patpong somehow, and I had a cool little hide out that I was going to show Maem. The Black Pagoda.

The Black Pagoda bar is probably the most badass Go-Go bar in Bangkok right now, besides the Dollhouse of course. You have to take a sketchy elevator to the 4th floor, I think. High enough that it broke my 2-story partying rule. Then the actual bar is suspended in air between two buildings. Overlooking pedestrians down below. Great for people watching, and hip thrusting, and rubbing your nipples on the window pointing at random Chinese dudes down under. Yeah, I’m that guy.

Maem looked nervous at first. I’m actually not sure if her ex-boyfriend ever took her to the Go-Go. It’s weird to think I’m just that dirty fuck who would. Like father like son, I guess.

To tell you the truth, I came to the Black Pagoda about 4-5 nights ago. I came with Elle, who I happened to run into at Rainbow 2 in Nana Plaza a night before. I was partying with Mok the hotel manager, trying to seduce her into giving me a free hotel room with my song Bye Angle. That very same night, Panida kicked me out of her mom’s house and sent me to Soi 4 in a Taxi, that’s another chapter my friend.

As we sat down in a good spot next to the large single pane windows overlooking the alley, a Go-Go dancer came up and said my name.

“Jame, good to see you again!” said a random Go-Go dancer. I soon realized it was Amm. And I was like, oh shit!

“Hey, how are you?”

“I'm fine. Thank you for coming to see me!” smiled Amm.

“Haha, no problem, I missed you! This is my girlfriend Maem.” in my mind I’m hoping she doesn’t spill the beans the I came here a few nights ago. Sorry, I just happen to think this bar is so fucking sick that I had to come back! A wise man that had some self-control would have probably been wiser.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Amm.” then she did the exact thing I was hoping she would not do. They both started speaking in rapid fire Thai to lose me. They both know that I can actually understand some Thai especially random key words that I painstakingly retaught myself after losing the language 13 years ago. Americanization and assimilation are bitches. This is one of the reasons I don’t trust the school system in the US. Do they really know what’s better for the global economy? I digress. Ooh big words, wish I can do that in Thai!

“You know her Jame?” asked Maem, saving her face, but I know she’s pissed off. It takes a lot for a Thai lady to show their pissed off emotions sometimes. They can keep their hearts very cool but, when they do snap, you are in for a treat!

“Yes babe. I don’t remember what happened that night.” I overheard them talking about Elle. Fuck! A lot of gibberish occurred I’m in the point that I don’t even give a fuck anymore and just want to enjoy my drink as I knew I didn’t fuck any of them that night so I was in the clear. Amm was just doing her duty of giving Maem all the gossip about me. Somehow, I proved to be a good boy.

Well everyone was in the cool now, including Maem, I think. More and more drinks were bought on my tab for the two ladies. I had 3,000 baht to my name at the time after getting some doe back for a security deposit for a rental car in Esan. Well 2,800, there was a dead lady on the road, and I couldn’t make it to the gas station to fill up my gas tank. Maem translated that to the car rental company but, I doubt she included the dead lady. The Thais view death way different from us Americans the more and more I re-experience my childhood culture.

Amm wanted to get bar fined, to avoid dancing on some fat old fuck in the bar. I actually love when a small lady dances on a fat old fuck. It brings tears of humor to my eyes. I spent most of the night watching that happen actually when Maem and Amm were talking about how much of a fucking dog I am and my love of Som Tum and Beer Chang.

“Babe I want to see you kiss her...” I said to Maem buzzed as fuck.

“Nooo, I not do!”

“C’monnnnn.” I grabbed them both by the back of their shoulders and moved them closer. They were both pretty tipsy at this point I would imagine.

“I cannot babe!” Maem recoiled.

“C’monnnn it’s funny!” I laughed. Seriously don’t know why girls hang out with me sometimes. Guess I just don’t give a fuck sometimes. Amm was totally into it. Maem is a closet tomboy however, I knew her feminine side, she couldn’t resist a drunk girl on girl kiss. She went for a quick smooch. It wasn’t the best or the worst as there were no tongues.

“Can I go with you two? Go dancing” Amm asked. She knew I was a good dude who just liked to have fun like last time.

“Up to her.” I pointed to Maem.

“Why up to me? Up to you.” Maem was a little ticked off. Well she did say up to me.

“Yes, I want to take her, but I don’t have enough money, so up to you.” I’m thumbing through my wallet and most of it is still in US currency. The exchange rate was 29 baht to 1 dollar at the time so I wasn’t fucking with it. Fuck that! USA #1 baby not going to give you my money on that exchange rate.

“Bpai hong nam. Baep nueng ka.” Amm stood up and went to the rest room. Sidenote, the restrooms in the Black Pagoda are fucking hilarious. It isn’t one of those shared bathrooms where the girl comes up to grab your dick but, it is definitely an interesting one. The mirror in there is see-through. You can see all the girls on the other side of the mirror. I was very shocked at first. One of the Go-Go girls told me a few nights ago she saw some guy masturbating at the girls through the mirrors. Hahaha good thing I got a haircut recently. The face and hand motion the cute girl performed definitely looked like my vinegar strokes.

As Amm went to the restroom, Maem decided to pay the barfine for me.

“It’s okay you two can come to my condo together.”  

“Wait, what? I was just joking about taking a shower together.” I said with a look of amazement and disbelief. Yes, I did make a joke about a group shower together, and it seemed like she was drunk enough to see what the fuck I would do. I knew this was a test. “Up to you baby.”

Amm came back and was in amazement that Maem paid her bar fine. I’m feeling like a pimp, even though I’m at least $60 poorer from the drinks. At least I got two dates now, fuck you Jeff Bezos.

Maem was pretty wasted at this point. We waited for Amm to get dressed into her street close. We then headed out of the club. The elevator was once again fucking up. Hence, why I have a 2-story rule for partying, especially Bangkok. We grabbed a Tuk Tuk and headed to Soi 11 Sukhumvit to the Sugar club, a hip-hop club.

Maem was pretty fucking wasted at that time, and pissed at me that she bar fined a girl. I knew I was walking on eggshells so I actually only got 1 Corona there and just drank coke after. Maem drank at least 3 more mixed drinks after 1 Corona. Amm kept to my pace too as she was trying to give me hand jobs under the table when Maem got too wild and wanted to show of her dance moves to the whole club. Well the main reason I wasn’t drunk was that I was taking medication for a stomach infection. By the time I reached the Sugar club the medication had worn off and I was pissing out of my ass for a couple of songs. Luckily, I became accustomed to the ass sprayers in the bathroom. That shit got me so clean. I mastered the bar room shits, I later told my friend TJ in the States. He beat me with a story that the first bar he ever went to he took a shit in it too. What an animal!

TJ actually told me that Rae Sremmurd was playing in Thailand that same week. Well they were playing in Phuket. I was currently in Bangkok. There was a feeling in me though that told me that they would end up in Bangkok. Sugar club would have been the venue if they did.

While blowing my ass out in WWIII I hear one of Rae Sremmurd’s songs getting played and I blasted my ass with one last spray of water and rushed out of the toilet in excitement. Yes, I told that muthafucka that they were going to be here. I’m smelling like shit at that time; both my ass and mouth reeked. I bought restroom gum, super sketchy. And ran out the restroom after a quick massage. Just a neck massage.

Fuck! It’s not even them. Just some fuckers doing a cover. Pinched my shit for nothing. I headed down to find my dates. Maem is fucked up now she’s falling on the white girls. Had to grab her one time as she was about to eat shit falling towards a European girl smoking her cig. Quit smoking please!

I decided that we should just call it a night. Hate when I’m not the drunk one sometimes. As we got out of Sugar, Amm was ready to head home as well. I’m not that kind of guy that would fuck two girls if I risk jeopardizing a good girl. Call me dumb or wise that is just me, I wanted to be sure Maem was taken care of as she takes very good care of me.

Maem loves to fucking walk. I hate fucking walking in Bangkok. Especially with the current air conditions. Heavy metal particles, fuck that! As we were walking back to Soi 23, Soi Cowboy, to Maem’s apartment, she spotted a rat. It was a cute little bugger. I love rats. They are so cute, used to have many pet rats growing up. The wet season rats are something else however. When those fuckers show up in the bars, they usually roam in some kind of pack. Oversized Thai rats, you’ve never seen such big fuckers before.

Well she fucking showed no fear and started to charge it. Rushing towards it. I couldn’t help myself but encourage her.

“Kill it!” I shouted on the late-night side walk. Many street light butterflies were looking at us as Maem raced into a small alley fighting that little fucker. It got away but I was dying in laughter! Esan girls, man! Gotta love them.

As we got back to her condo. I grabbed her and held her over the pool upside down dangling her, just to mess with her. Throwing someone upside down when their completely wasted is a dick move. She got way more drunk after I brown her on to solid ground again. Gasping for air she let me have it haha. We went inside her condo right outside the pool and called it a night... and fucked Kee Nok Air!

Chapter 5: He's My Son, Bitch!

During my first trip back to Nong Bua Lumpu, Thailand I was reunited with my mom and a long-lost friend named Moose. His dad, Michael and my dad were good buddies back in the day. My sister and I went over to their Esan Resort Hotel many weekends. We both hung out with Moose, his sister Ruby, and a couple of other village girls. My dad and Michael would go out playing golf on the resort or drink upstairs while my mom and Michael’s wife, Nan, shared the latest gossip around town.

Moose and I would geek out and play Pokemon Sapphire and Ruby for hours on end. He knew how to clone the Pokemon in Pokemon Crystal which was so fucking badass considering we were out in an Esan town in Thailand. This was probably the first “hacker” I’ve ever met. This was also around the time of Y2K. All the banks in Thailand were rushing to get their systems patched up. Funny how primitive the technology was but, we were still able to do so much in a remote village.

When I arrived back in Nong Bua Lumpu, I immediately wanted to see Moose. We had some catching up to do and I was hoping that he had some hot dates lined up for me at least. Well that wasn’t the case obviously as I wouldn’t have any hot dates lined up for him in my small California city neither. If we were in Bangkok, we could have definitely done some damage in honor of our fathers.

We did some pregaming with his friend, Porn. I recently broke my phone so I don’t really know his name. For the sake of the story his name is Porn, okay? It’s actually a common Thai name.

The remanence of the Esan Resort was now a mini village on its own with many of the relatives of Nan now permanently living in the bungalows. Probably a better gig getting rent money than getting hotel stays. White people don’t venture too far into Esan unless their girlfriend they met in Bangkok or Chiang Mai happened to live in that province. There is probably the equivalent to no Chinese tourist as well in my home province of Nong Bua Lumpu even in today’s rise of the middle-class Chinese tourist.

Well they threw a little mini party for me. Had speakers and a bunch of Chang lined up. I even scored a souvenir Singha mug from one of the mommas in the village. This was also one of the first instances where I re-engaged into the customs of my lost culture. Eating on mats out in the front of the house with loud speakers going on. All ages welcome to the party. I cracked up my hosts when I saw the little kids play and said “Adults act like little kids when they are drunk.” Of course, I needed a translator at that time.

After I got pretty fucking drunk already, I decided that Moose, Porn, and I needed to head to the bars!

“Don’t worry mom, I'll ride on Moose’s motorcycle. He say it not too far away.” I switch to broken English a lot when speaking to my mom. I call it Engleesh.

“No son not safe!” she said worryingly, “Me and Way will drive you two!”

Porn actually had a League of Legend match he had to finish up, so he would be joining us later. The dude actually had a car, but he had also been drinking and doing some other substances, I’d imagine. I wasn’t tight with them yet so I wouldn’t know but, later on that night I had a feeling some substances had been mixed.

My mom dropped Moose and I off at a cheap local bar that all of the young Thai adults go to. I bought Moose and myself as much beer as possible as we caught up on old times. Most of my questions were about girls as you would have imagined. I told him about the time my dad came rescue his dad on the border bar next to Laos during a drunken bar binge. We call it a “visa run” in our families.

Porn finally showed up and we all went to the “pub”, a rock n’ roll bar with coyote girls! That place is so sick! I’m actually still laying low from that place because I tried to smash some dude with two Singha bottles because he shoulder checked me right in the jaw. That is for another chapter.

I had a great time at the pub the first time. I kept the drinks coming for my Thai friends as they took me under their wing. Every time the band needed a break or there was a transition to another band the DJ would turn on some house music. At that time, I was very focused on being a house music DJ as a side gig. I was dancing my ass off during the transitions. A lady came up to Moose and Porn and started talking to them. She was a little heavy set, and definitely in her late 30’s. I thought it was just their friends. She was dressed in some seductive cheetah print pants, so I figured she was rock n’ roll. I got to talking to her. It’s been so long now that I forgot all that we said. But I loved her earrings and tried one on. Fucking disgusting. Later on that night I asked if that lady had diseases because I just stuck her earrings in my ear. Moose half puking gave me that “WTF are you talking about stare.” Shit I forgot to tell you guys, I’m actually a hypochondriac and germaphobe. Ex-girlfriends never believed me on that one.

The show dragged on and I ended up getting pretty hungry. We were all pretty fucked up on Singha at that time. I didn’t trust Porn to drive me to the restaurant as I had a decent sized bill for the three of us. So I decided to ride with the older lady. Turned out Moose and Porn actually didn’t really know her. Thai people are so friendly even to strangers, a westerner would have thought they were longtime friends.

Moose sat outside of the pub puking between each puff of his cig. He actually disappeared for a little bit when I was in the pub and I found him outside throwing up on a bench. I rubbed his back in good Thai gesture. Something westerners need to learn how to do to sooth the stomach of your puking friend. Porn got the car started up and Moose as a true champ walked over and got in there.

I wasn’t going to get into Porn’s car as I didn’t trust a young drunk Thai driver just yet. The lady happened to be tagging along not too far from us and she was down to go grab some food with us. I hopped into the woman’s little pussy-ass fuel efficient car. As soon as the car doors locked and the engine was started, she leaned in and grabbed the side of my face for a smooch. I was so drunk that I didn’t really give a fuck, plus the car was moving now. Honestly it was pretty funny to me.

Bumping some Thai rock, we quickly arrived to the restaurant on the main road of Nong Bua Lumpu. I had a drunken filthy tray of fried rice and the lady fed me every bite. My mom at that time was blowing up Moose’s phone trying to find out where the hell we went. Like any good mom, she started to drive around the town to every restaurant. I managed to talk to her on the phone but, she couldn’t understand my drunken Engleesh, and plus I had absolutely no clue where I was.

My mom did find me sitting at the front of the restaurant with an old chubby Thai lady feeding me some Khao Pad Gkai. She quickly grabbed me without paying the bill and took me back to my hotel room. I didn’t remember much about that car ride.

My mom told the receptionist to not let anyone come to my hotel room. And she headed off to stay at her room at the rice factory. Well, the lady decided to follow my mom. As my mom just grabbed me without even speaking to her, she thought my mom was my girlfriend. The lady tracked my mom all the way to the rice factory trying to fight her. If I knew what truly got said between the two women at 2 AM in the morning fighting over me I would need a new spleen. It probably went something like this.

“Bitch! Why did you take James away from me? Come out and fight me bitch!”

“He’s my son! Why are you going after young boys, fucking fat slut!”

That’s the rough translation of what I gathered from third party sources and my mom mentioning it as well. Meanwhile I was passed out in a Singha coma.

My mom came to get me in the morning. She said she could smell the beer all the way from the hallway. It was time for me to go visit the temple as my punishment. My mom will never forget that night, I have to hear about it for the rest of my life now as word got out around town and throughout the rest of my family. I blame Moose.

About the Author


"Damn that was some good Som Tum!"

James Houston travels back in forth from California to Thailand to visit his family. In his spare time he enjoys rocking out with his band Gooch. A lover of leather pants, guitars, video cameras, and fast computers. James grew up playing a lot of Halo 3, World of Warcraft, and Call of Duty 4, which lead to his self-diagnosed shit talker syndrome. He is very addicted to Som Tum, especially Som Tum Lao. He documents his journey in the pursuit of Beer Chang, Som Tum and women. Sometimes there is music along the way that gets created. James and his friends are currently working on the Bad Reaction podcast.

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